These Days are Ours
by LiteratiLove11
Summary: When life has been unkind to you, you find a way to cope. Some ways are worse than others. When Clary meets Jace, can she find the strength to allow him to heal her, and allow herself to be what he needs to heal or will she stay locked in the past in a world of self hate? AU- All Human
1. Chapter 1

There may be sensitive subjects in this story, don't hate on me for it. There's a reason why I rated it an M, other than possible sex scenes. My Clary is OOC and a little on the dark side, but some of the things she does are taken from a real life case study that I had researched for my psych class when I was in college. When I was going to write this story it was going to be for OC's but Jace & Clary kept popping up in my head telling me it needed to be about them...so here you have it.

The usual: Jace, Clary, other TMI characters and references do not belong to me, though I wish they did. I am happy to state that they only belong to the incomparable Cassandra Clare.

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~*Jace*~

Sitting at the bar I let my head fall back as I let the loud music pound into my head and the sweet smell of the fog machines permeate my senses, allowing me to forget all of the other crap in my life. It's why I come to Pandemonium night after night. Sure there were plenty of all ages clubs and even not all-ages clubs where you could easily get away with using a fake id to get your drinks, but this place is different in one respect.

Once you walk through the doors here, you can be whoever and whatever you want to be. And that's all I ever want to do. Leave the person everyone knows me as at the door. I know everyone thinks it's great to be the most popular guy in the school...the best football player...the guy with all the girls. But it's all a lie. I never wanted to be any of those things, I only did them because they were expected of me, and I'm far too afraid of 'disappointing' my adoptive parents and having them decide they don't want me around anymore. Even this...being here, getting trashed like I do so often, is bordering on the edge of their tolerance.

Luckily they had made an agreement with me, knowing that I'd just continue anyway, that if I were to come out and get drunk, that I wouldn't get behind the wheel and drive. I'd either text them letting them know I was staying over at "a friends", walk home, get a cab, or call them to come get me. They definitely don't like it, and are pretty much forcing me to go to therapy thinking that it will 'fix' whatever is wrong with me. They just don't get it. There isn't anything in this world that could fix me...I'm just broken, and I'm okay with that.

Soon though, all the stress of having to live up to their standards will be over. In 7 months I'll be 18 and all the money that was left in trust to me at the time of my parents death will finally be released to me, and two short months after that I'll graduate high school. I have the option to go to college pretty much anywhere, with football scholarships being thrown at me left and right, and grades that are getting some of the ivy leagues interested but I won't be going. I haven't decided exactly what I'm going to be doing, maybe traveling the world...or even just the country. Maybe I'll just buy an RV and travel around from place to place, finally getting to be by myself and not have to answer to anyone else, not have to...

I'm brought out of my musings abruptly by someone knocking into me and partly spilling my drink on the beer in front of me. When I turn to my left to see who it is, all I can see is a mop of curly red hair splayed over the back of a girl who has just flopped herself on the bar, head rested on her crossed arms in front of her. She's so tiny she looks like she doesn't belong in here, even if it is an all ages club. Surely they have some minimum age limit, right?

I lean over and gently nudge her with my elbow "You alright there, Red?"

Her head shoots up and she turns to look at me, a growing smirk on her face as she looks me up and down. "Fabulous, just fucking fabulous" she replies, turning back to the bar and leaning over it, snapping her fingers to get the bartenders attention.

I can't help but notice how insanely beautiful she is. Her emerald green eyes just completely pop, sucking you right into them, and her perfectly smooth creamy skin is dusted with the most adorable freckles across her nose and the tops of her cheeks. I can't resist checking the rest of her out. She's wearing an off white lace see through top with a black bra on underneath it, and a tight as hell black leather skirt that comes to her mid thigh, just showing off enough skin between the hem and her knee high boots to completely turn me on. Oh no, this girl isn't going anywhere. For tonight, this one is mine.

~*Clary*~

Impressive. Not even five minutes into being here and I've already met my mark. Apparently what I've heard about this place since I moved back here a few weeks ago was completely accurate. The guys here are hot..but this one standing next to me, not even trying to hide the fact that he's checking me out, he's so unbelievably hot that it's almost cruel for one person to look so good. His gold hair that falls around his ears and unusual amber eyes make him look like an angel. And from the looks of it, I've already got him on the hook. I'll be getting what I came here for in no time at all. But first...I must get myself sufficiently inebriated.

Finally I get the bartenders attention and he slides over in front of me, eyes fixed on my cleavage as he asks "what can I get you darlin'?' with way too much of a southern accent to actually be from New York. It's cute really, he's cute, but I'm not interested in using him for anything more than some possibly free alcohol and a way to get Goldie over here to make a move.

"What's your name?" I yell at him over the music.

"Chris, what's yours?" he yells back, but I just smile and shake my head "need to know only, honey" I reply.

He nods his head and I lean even further over the bar, reaching behind his neck to pull him closer to me as whisper in his ear "be a doll and get me two starry nights please" before pulling back and giving him a coy smile.

Chris finished up making my shots and slid them across the bar, "how much do I owe you?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"For you? On the house." He smiled and looked like he was about to say something else but his attention was drawn away by someone at the other end of the bar. But before he walked away he grabbed a pack of matches from the fishbowl from the shelf behind him, opened it up, and scrawled something on it with the pen that had been nested behind his ear.

He turned and leaned over the counter, placing the matchbook in my hand and closing my fingers. "Call me sometime gorgeous" he said, winking and then walking away to tend to the other customers.

Goldie, who I know had been observing the interaction, slid his hand across my lower back causing an electric chill to run up my spine as his fingers grazed the exposed skin between my top and my skirt. The sensation felt so good, almost too good, and I forced myself to write it off as my overactive imagination getting the best of me.

I downed my first shot, and went to grab my second but it was snatched up before I could get my hand on it. Mouth agape, I looked over to Goldie who now had it in his free hand and was staring at it with a confused look on his face. Raising my brows at him I smirked "something I can help you with Goldie?"

He looked over at me, setting the shot back down in front of me, where I quickly picked it up and slammed it back.

"Yeah, what kind of shot is that, I've never seen one that looked like that before. It looks like tar with a bunch of metal floating in it...you sure it's safe to drink?"

I laughed, and when I looked at him there was a huge smile on his face in response, showing off what I can only assume is his only imperfection...a slightly chipped front tooth. Somehow, that made him only more attractive.

"Yes, it's safe...as long as you want to get wasted. It's a starry night."

"A starry night? What's in it?" he asked quirking a brow at me.

"Half Goldschlager, half Jagermeister"

"You have a thing for Germans?" the smirk on his face was irritatingly adorable.

Ahh, so he thinks he's funny. "No, but I do have a thing for Fire Twizzlers which got discontinued, so this is as close as I can get" I gestured to the empty shot glasses flipped upside down on the bar. He motioned for Chris to come back over.

"Yeah man, what can I get you?" Chris said, stepping in front of us, glancing at me briefly before he turned a glare on Goldie. I noticed immediately that his charming southern accent was missing, making me laugh. Is there anyone who doesn't pretend to be someone that they're not? In that moment it occurred to me that Goldie still had his arm around me and was casually pulling me closer to him. Well, that would explain the Chris reaction, not surprising since based on looks alone, he wouldn't stand a chance against the one next to me. Not that I'm a shallow person, but I'm not exactly here looking for some epic romance either, so for now...good looks wins out.

"Uh, yeah, can you get me and my girl here two more each of these, what were they...oh, starry nights"

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head at his lie as I stared him down "I'm not your girl, Goldie".

He pulled his arm up to rest around my shoulder, brushing my hair to my back as he did and then leaned in and kissed my neck lightly just before pulling back, once again, the chill was back...but it wasn't really a chill, it was something else that I couldn't really place.

"No, you're not...but I was here a while before you got here so I knew the country boy thing was a crock of shit when he was talking to you, figured you deserve better than that...thought I could get him to back off if he thought you were."

"Oh" was the only response I could come up with. I mean, what the hell was I supposed to say to that? He thinks I deserve better? Well he sure as hell doesn't know me, because if he did he wouldn't think that. I just stared at him, trying to get some kind of take on what kind of person he is. If he's just saying it to be nice, or to get in my pants...err..skirt, not that it matters since that's what I'm here for anyhow.

Goldie pushed two of the shots in front of me, and lined up the other two in front of him before looking over at me and smirking once again. By the angel, that smirk could make a girl melt. And those eyes, they're just so damn beautiful. Such a clear amber color that light up and look like they're sparkling under the flashing lights...and crap, I'm still staring at him.

He casually picks up one of the shots, placing it in my hand while taking one for himself.

"I know I'm gorgeous, Red, but if you keep staring you're going to give me a complex."

"Ha!" I laughed at that "from the sounds of it, you already have one"

"If you say so...toast?" he said, shaking his head as he lifted his glass towards me and I quirked a brow at him.

A toast? A little out of place, but sure why not. "Alright, you go first" I smiled, lifting my glass near his.

He closed his eyes for just a moment, before opening them and looking straight into my eyes, the intensity of which made me step back slightly.

"To...being yourself" he let out a deep breath. Interesting choice.

I wavered back and forth on just what I wanted to toast. I wasn't sure I wanted to really go deep with it, but he seemed to be rather serious about his own, so I figure it's only fair for me to do the same.

"To forgetting" I close my eyes and clink my glass against his before slamming back the shot. My eyes open and I move my hand to wipe away the little bit that's about to drip from my lip. Before I can even react though, Goldie is gripping his hand around the back of my neck and crashing his lips down on mine.

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This is my first TMI fic that I'm posting. Hopefully you all will love it as much as I am loving writing it.

My normal upload schedule will be to upload 1 chapter per week, likely on Friday or Saturday, depending on when I can get a babysitter for my kids and get over to the library. BUT, if I get some decent reviews today and tomorrow then I will upload Ch. 2 on Monday. It's already written, just needs to be edited and posted...and let's just say it's rather lemony. Fair trade off right? Reviews will get you 2 chapters uploaded next week ;)

Please feel free to pm me if you have any questions or need something clarified.

~Sabrina


	2. Chapter 2

I know I'm late in updating. Had no idea the library would be closed both Friday and Saturday. Not that it really matters since there doesn't seem to be a lot of interest in this story, but I'll post this chapter and if there still doesn't seem to be interest I won't continue. But I do have another story lined up if this one doesn't work out. Please review, let me know what you think and if you want me to continue...or if you have any ideas you'd like to see added to the story. I have the basic plot outline for the whole thing but don't mind moving things around.

Reminder: This chapter is kinda lemony.

I do not own TMI or any references made to it. I'm just taking them out for a spin.

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The second his lips touch mine I freeze up, putting my hands on his shoulders, ready to shove him off of me. I don't allow this ever. Kissing is off limits. In fact, I've never been kissed before. But no matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to push him away. Instead I find myself opening up to him, allowing his tongue to explore the depths of my mouth, and mine his. It may even be more intoxicating than the alcohol, setting every single nerve in my body on fire. My hands move to behind his neck, holding him in place.

It's passionate and yet gentle all at the same time, and I never want it to end. I can feel myself losing control of the situation, and while I kind of like it, I know I can't let that happen. I have to be in control. Losing control means losing a part of yourself, and I have nothing left of myself to give.

Finally, I find the strength to pull away from him. We're both breathing heavy and he's staring into my eyes like he's trying to see into my soul. I force myself to look away from him, pulling out of his arms and turning to grab the other shot, downing it before I can put any more thought into what just happened. I wasn't kidding when I was toasting to forgetting...and now I need to forget that kiss too.

He places his hand on my shoulder, trying to get my attention. "Wow, that was incredible" he says, turning me towards him, but I ignore him, and use the opportunity to push off the bar and start walking away.

"I'm going to dance, thanks for the drinks" I say, not bothering to look back at him. I can feel something clenching at my chest, demanding that I turn around and go back to him, but I can't let myself.

He's calling for me, and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I don't know what's happening to me, why I'm letting this guy affect me so much. I don't know him, he doesn't know me, and it doesn't matter because the only thing I wanted from him tonight seems to be the one thing I won't get. Not without dragging myself even further down into that hole, and I can't risk it.

I quickly step in front of a guy that's dancing with a few girls, and take over from them. It's simple really, let the guy think he has control, and he'll be all over you in seconds. At least he's not bad looking. He's of some kind of Spanish descent for sure which has it's own sort of appeal, and as such his dance moves are incredible. I swear they're born with the ability to dance like no other. Within minutes he's got his hands on my hips, guiding my movements as he moves closer to me. Where I felt fire with Goldie, with this guy I feel nothing, which is good. It means I'm back on track to get what I came here for.

Closing my eyes I loose myself in the music and I can finally feel the affects of the alcohol relaxing me. I turn around, allowing him to pull me closer as I grind up against him. I can tell that I'm turning him on and can't help but smile at the affect that I have on him. I feel him release me briefly but I continue to dance knowing I've got him where I want him, and he's not going anywhere.

Proving me right, seconds later he's moving my hair off of my back and across my shoulder. I can feel his nose buried in my hair. It's odd, that he's trying to smell my shampoo, but I don't really care as long as he gives me what I want. Then he's kissing down my neck, and sliding his hand around my waist and across my stomach just under the hem of my lace shirt, drawing circular patterns with his thumb. It feels good...sooo damn good.

My eyes shoot open at the recognition of the feeling. The heat is back again and every part of me that is touching the body behind me is scorching. I quickly spin around, and find exactly what I was expecting. Goldie has replaced the Latin lover boy as my dance partner. Somehow I'm not surprised and I'll admit that a small part of me isn't disappointed. His touch is addicting.

I look in his eyes and he smiles brightly at me, pushing a curl that has fallen in my face behind my ear, before cupping his hands on my cheeks.

"Don't run Red, I'm just not ready to let you go yet" he winks, and I'm spinning out of control again. In the moment, I decide I don't care. I want this, I want him. It's just one night. Losing control for one night isn't going to ruin me, and maybe I won't only forget, but I'll actually enjoy it for a change.

I smile back at him and shake my head slightly "I'm not going anywhere Goldie". We continue dancing and his hands are moving over and touching every part of my body and I'm loving every minute of it. I can't help but wonder what my therapist would think. Well, the therapist that I had been forced to see after the, uh...incident, with my mother. She claimed that the promiscuity and the refusal to allow anyone to get close to me was a form of self-harm, not unlike people who cut themselves. What I get from sex with random people, is the same thing that cutters get...release from all of the feelings and emotions trapped in me. It's a way to punish myself. I know she was right and I don't care, but it makes me wonder if she would call this...allowing Goldie to kiss and touch me like this...progress.

The instant the thought comes to me I try to push it down. I'm not trying to make progress. I don't want it. What happened to my mother is my fault and I deserve to be punished for it. All of it. He left because of me, she got sick because of me, she died because of me. I can feel everything building up in my again, and I know that I need to get rid of it.

I lean up, wrapping my hands around the back of Goldie's neck, pulling him down to me as I kiss up his jaw to below his ear where I suck gently before taking his lobe in my mouth and grazing it with my teeth. He pulls me even tighter to him and I can feel his erection pressing into me and I can instantly feel the wetness pooling in my barely there panties. Ahh...yet something else I've never really experienced, at least with someone else. I've never actually gotten completely aroused when seducing and having sex with guys, but I shouldn't be surprised that nothing with this boy in front of me is going according the usual plans. All I know is I can't wait any more.

I kiss him...hard, letting him know, and trying to convince myself that I'm in control. When we finally break away this time, I whisper in his ear "wanna fuck?" Immediately he pulls back from me and his eyes are wide. He can't believe what I'm asking him, and I can't help but find it a little funny that he clearly didn't see me as 'that' type of girl. Wasn't I making it obvious this whole time? Is my game just completely off tonight? Or is it just him that has me so out of sorts?

He recovers and smirks, grabbing my hand before turning around and leading me off of the dance floor. We head down a dark, painted black hallway that allows almost no vision, save for the single blue light that's on at the end. Halfway down though, Goldie stops and looks behind us before swinging a door open and shoving me in. From the looks of the boxes, and stacked bar stools in the corner, I'm guessing we're in some kind of storage room.

~*Jace*~

As soon as I'm in the storage room, and have the door shut behind me after double checking to make sure no one saw us come in here, I lock the door. Suddenly I'm being turned around and shoved back against the door. This girl really likes to be in control, and for once I don't mind it. She's kissing me, like she needs it to be able to breathe. I know the feeling, only the only person I've ever felt that with is the girl right in front of me. I don't feel emotions, I don't allow myself to...but damn if this girl hasn't completely upended everything. I can't get enough of her. Her touch is like fire and I'm enjoying being burned. She smells like strawberries and vanilla and I find myself never wanting to smell anything but her.

She's so tiny, and yet so strong. But I can see the broken part too. The broken piece of her that I know she tries to hide but I can see when I look into her eyes. I can't help but want to fix it for her. She has the most beautiful eyes, and I can only imagine how much more so they would be if they held the spark I know they would if she wasn't broken. When she told me what she wanted...I knew there was no way I could say no. Not that I've ever been one to refuse sex, or even initiate it, but some part of me knows that this is different, though I have no clue why.

Pulling back from the kiss she stares me in the eyes, the lust can be seen so clearly in hers as she fumbles with the buttons of my shirt before pushing it back off of my shoulders and onto the floor. I want to touch and kiss every single inch of her body. I reach for her and pull her close to me while I kiss and suck on the soft skin where her neck and shoulder meet. She lets out a little whimper as my hands slide under her top. I pull it up and pull back from her neck just long enough to get it over her head and toss it down behind her before I turn her so that she's now pressed up against the door.

I continue sucking on her neck, and I know it's going to leave a mark, but I don't care. I want to mark her. I want her to be mine more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. Moving the kisses back up her neck and to her mouth, she's letting out these little gasps and moans, they're so quiet that if I weren't right in front of her I'd never hear them...and they're driving me crazy. Breaking from the quick kiss and laying my forehead against hers I slide my hands behind her and unsnap her bra and let it drop as she takes in a quick breath.

Suddenly she cups her hands around my face and pushes me back slightly, I know the confusion is evident on my face. I'm terrified she wants me to stop.

"Goldie, just so you know...this is a one time thing. It won't happen again after tonight."

At that admission, I suddenly feel like everything is crashing down around me. I need to be okay with this. Every single part of me is telling me that I need to be with this girl, and if I can only have her for tonight...then I just have to accept that as much as I don't like it.

Letting go of the breath I had been holding, I put my hands on her face, lean forward and place a kiss on the top of her head. "That's okay Red, if this is all I get with you, then I'm going to enjoy every minute of it."

~*Clary*~

That was easier than I thought. With the way he's been looking at me, I expected him to protest. I almost didn't tell him. I don't want tonight to end, I could come back for this again and again, and we haven't even actually done anything yet.

He slides his hands back down my back and unzips my skirt, sliding it down over my hips as I reach forward and unfasten his jeans pushing them down as well. I can tell as my hand grazes against him that he's huge. And with that, I can't wait any more. I jerk him free from his underwear, forcing them down to join his pants on the ground. Bending over, he quickly grabs his wallet and flips it open, pulling out a condom and ripping the package open before expertly sliding it over his dick. And then his lips are back on mine, hot and hungry and his tongue is fighting mine for dominance. I want to taste ever single bit of him, and remember it forever. The thought terrifies and thrills me in equal measure and I am gasping for air as he takes his mouth away from mine and lifts me up, sliding his hands under my thighs to cup my ass when I lock my legs around his waist.

Bracing me a little more snugly against the door, he brings his one hand up to the back of my neck, rubbing gently as if he's trying to release the tension that that fortunately thanks to him and the alcohol, doesn't exist, leaving it to just feel...good. Then he takes his other hand and slides it down between us, and before I can even figure out what's about to happen, he's sliding his long slender fingers between my folds and plunging two of them in and out of me, using his thumb to massage my nub. I'm so wet and the pressure there and the feeling of his fingers in me is so amazing that I'm shuddering with orgasm just minutes later.

He slides his hand up from between us and cups my breast, squeezing it gently, caressing the skin and flicking his thumb over my nipple as he leans down and takes my other nipple in his mouth. Licking and sucking and grazing his teeth over it I know what he's doing. He's giving me time to recover and preparing me for what's still to come. I've never done anything like this with anyone. Usually our clothes are still mostly on and it's just a quick and dirty fuck. Yet here we are in a storage closet, both completely naked with each other and he's taking his time to pleasure me. This must be what sex is supposed to feel like.

Goldie stops, taking his hand and brushes it over the side of my face. I can't stop myself from leaning into it. Once he knows he has my attention I find him staring back and forth between my eyes. It takes me a minute before I realize what he's looking for there. He wants permission, wants to know that I still want this. I can't help blush and tear up slightly at the thought that someone is actually taking the time to make sure of what I want. I close my eyes, nodding my consent and then look away from him. His hand stops me bringing me back to face him.

"Open your eyes, Red...please look at me." I comply but am taken aback by what I'm seeing in his eyes. Aside from the deep lust I find there, there's such sweet affection in them. Affection for me and I know I can't pull my eyes away from him, but I want to know why he wants me to look at him so bad. Is he _trying_ to break me?

"Why" I ask him simply.

Leaning forward, pressing a kiss to my lips, he pulls back and looks at me intently before answering. "Because, you seem to be intent on keeping our identities a secret, Red, and I want to make sure you know who you're with...even if you don't know my name."

Without any further warning he pushes himself inside of me. My eyes are locked on his but I'm finding it difficult to keep them open, everything that I'm feeling right now is just too much. Rocking in and out of me so slowly it's like torture. A good kind of torture, he's taking his time and I love it. I don't even try to stop the moans from escaping my lips.

Finally, I lay my head back, just enjoying the feeling and then his lips are on my neck and his movements are getting quicker and a little more erratic. He changes the angle that I'm against the door just slightly and he's suddenly hitting this spot that threatens to have me completely crumble in seconds. I try to hold off when I feel the intensity building in my core, knowing that I'll likely never feel anything this good again in my life. Just when I think I have it under control and can hold out a little longer, Goldie is moaning and making these incredibly sexy grunting sounds and I know he's getting close. The whisper of his nickname for me does it, and I can't hold on any more. The feeling is so amazing, and euphoric and holy hell I'm crying. Why the fuck am I crying!?

He finishes not long after me, and his head is resting on my shoulder while he tries to settle his heavy breathing. Me, I'm not sure if I'll ever come down from this high, but I know I can't let him see my tears. I quickly pull my hand back from where it had been digging into the back of his shoulder and wipe them away before laying my head down on his shoulder. He moves his arms so that he's got one up around my shoulders and the other is down around my waist. Slowly he turns us so that his back is against the door and he slides down to the floor, holding me to his chest tightly as I adjust to sit, straddling his lap. And I let him. I let him hold me.


	3. Chapter 3

A huge thank you to those of you who took the time to review & let me know you want me to continue...reviews really are food for the fanfic writers soul and keeps us churning out the chapters!

An extra big thank you to StillLostinaFairytale , who gave me an extra long review, letting me know exactly what you liked and a pep talk to boot. *Sending virtual cupcakes & hugs to you!*

Disclaimer: I don't own TMI, or any references made to it in this story. If I did, a certain someone would not have died in COHF. I'm glaring at you right now Cassie...though I still love ya.

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~*Clary*~

I can still feel the gentle touch of his hands on my back where he held me, almost as if where his palms touched they had been imprinted onto my skin. It had only been a few minutes, just long enough that the loud pounding of our hearts faded and sounds from the still active club down the hall filtered through once again, before I pulled back from him, staring into his eyes. The look I found there so intense I knew that I had to get out. Out of that room, out of the club, and away from him. It was so difficult to do, walking away from him and yet feeling as if we were strong magnets fighting to remain together despite being ripped apart.

I had gotten dressed wordlessly, as he pulled his clothes back on watching me carefully but not trying to speak himself. He'll never know how grateful I am that he didn't say anything to me then, because my resolve may have crumbled right there. When I finally was ready it wasn't hard to slip into the mask that I'd been wearing for what seemed like so long as I turned around and gave him a smirk and a "thanks for that" before walking out and closing the door behind me. Walking away from him I felt numb.

Hell, I still feel numb as I lay here nearly 8 hours later and I haven't moved from my bed. Even when Maia had called to remind me that I'm supposed to be meeting her for lunch in an hour I didn't move...and that was at least half an hour ago. Finally though, I manage to drag myself out of bed and get ready, the whole time thinking about how I wish that I would have just canceled our lunch plans. I knew she would want all the details of last night. She had been the one to recommend Pandemonium to me. She had said that lots of the hot guys that she had gone to school with went there and that there would be a good selection to choose from, and she definitely wasn't wrong.

Fortunately, it wasn't more than a five minute walk from the hostel where I live to the diner, Taki's, where I first met Maia and I made it there with a few minutes to spare, sliding into one of the back booths and waiting for her to get done with her shift. Upon my arrival to the city, Luke had suggested that I go speak to her about getting a job as she was the assistant manager and a good friend of his. When I asked for her I expected to see an older woman, maybe Luke's age, and instead was greeted by a girl that looked to be about my age, with dark tan sun kissed skin and curly brown hair.

She hired me on the spot after learning that I knew Luke. We fast became friends during my second shift as we sat around, no customers in sight, refilling ketchup bottles and salt and pepper shakers and bonding over common interests and similar pasts, both of us having left everything we knew for the chance to start over in the city. Which is how I came to learn that she knew Luke because he had found her, homeless and hungry when she was only 15. He had taken her in and become her legal guardian after learning that her parents had thrown her out once she had accused her brother of abusing her. Since then she had gotten the job at Taki's and graduated high school last year. Maia is the only person that knows the full extent of what I do, and why I do it. At first I think she was appalled, but now she seems understanding and always tries to make sure that I'm being careful and that I haven't had anyone hurt me. Of course, she doesn't really understand that that is what I want. She knows what set me on this path, but doesn't know that it's all just a means to punish myself, make myself pay for all the problems I've caused. So yeah, the more it hurts the better. Which brings me right back to thinking about Goldie, and how it very much did not hurt. There was no pain, or feeling dirty and used like I do every other time.

"Hey, didn't think you were gonna make it" Maia says, smiling, as she slides into the booth across from me, undoing her apron in the process and flinging it onto the table.

"Why wouldn't I make it?"

"I don't know, you didn't really sound up for it when I called to remind you. Not your usual chipper self. Everything okay?"

"Yep, everything's great" I reply, grabbing the menu and flipping through it back and forth, though I already know what I'm going to order and have every word of it memorized. At least it's a distraction for the moment.

"Yeah, because I believe that" she chuckled as Kaelie strolled over to take our order. I never bought into stereotypes of blonde air-headed bimbos but if there was such a person, Kaelie would be it.

Once we had our orders placed and brought our drinks back, Maia started in with the typical questioning.

"So, how was Pandemonium last night, did you like it?"

I took a sip from my cherry Coke before responding. "It was nice."

"Nice? At least tell me you found what you were looking for."

"Um..." I paused, thinking of the best way to put it "yes and no"

She looked puzzled "What do you mean? I know there had to have been plenty of guys there last night, can't tell me you didn't find anyone suitable."

"Oh, there were plenty of hot guys. I just think I may have chose the wrong one."

Maia's brows shot up "the wrong one, why?"

"I don't know what it was...but he was different, the sex was different. It wasn't just a quick fuck for the sake of it and move on." I sighed deeply, having everything I felt then come back to me. "I can't even really describe it...it was just intense, and I actually enjoyed it."

"Well, yeah, you're supposed to enjoy it" she laughed.

"Maia, that's not why I do this. I do it because I don't want to feel anything." I brace my elbows on the table and lower my head into them trying to get a grip. I feel like I'm about to lose it. "I don't want to feel good when I do it, I want to feel dirty and used and horrible and...and I want to feel like I'm. worthless, useless just like I was to my mother. What happened to her, it was all my fault and I deserve to pay for that."

She slammed her hand down on the table in front of her just as Kaelie placed our plates on the table and quickly stepped away. "Clary, you can't feel like that. I know you feel responsible, but she was the mother you were the child, it was her responsibility to take care of you not the other way around. What happened was her choice, not yours, and you need to stop punishing yourself for it."

"That's what scares me about last night Maia, that guy, he made me feel things I've never wanted to feel before. Things I've never allowed myself to, or really even thought I ever would feel. Walking out of there and acting like I normally do...like it didn't matter, I felt like my world was collapsing around me. I...I tried so hard to be in control. But it was impossible. It was like every single piece of me was telling me to let go of that control. I suddenly wanted to be worth something...to deserve that guy, and that kind of sex. And rather than allowing myself to believe that, I just walked away. By the angel I'm such a damn idiot. You know what I said to him?" I asked, angrily cutting my coconut pancakes to shreds.

"What?" Maia looked up at me with wide eyes just as she was about to take a bite of her burger.

I laughed humorlessly, "I said 'thanks for that'...yep...'thanks for that'. I mean, a sane person would have at least gotten his name and his number. But no, not me. He gave me something incredible, and I just treated him like I treat myself, like he's worthless. Guess it just proves that I really don't deserve him anyway. Not that it matters, he was gorgeous...like inhumanly gorgeous. He probably wouldn't want to have seen me again anyway, I was an easy lay, that's all." I shrugged, shoving the food into my mouth.

She sat there for a while just staring at me as if she was trying to figure something out. I hadn't really wanted to lay it all out like that. If she didn't think I was completely crazy before, she was sure to think it now. Or maybe that is what I wanted. To have someone confirm to me that I'm screwed up and a horrible person.

Just as the silence and staring started to feel a little uncomfortable, she finally spoke. "So, then you like this guy?"

"What?" I balked, surprised that of everything I just said, that was what she was settling on. "I mean, yeah I guess...what's not to like, he was gorgeous and funny and cocky and sweet and...wait, why does this matter? I told you my rules. One time and move on. I got my one time with him, and I already told him that that was it."

"Eh, so you told him one night, and honey, rules are made to be broken. Besides, I told you, most of the guys that go there I went to school with so maybe we can find him for you and fix this."

"What are you suggesting?" I quirked a brow at her, trying to figure out where she's going with this.

"I'm suggesting that you try something new." She throws her hands up in defense when I glare at her. "Hey, I'm not saying date the guy, fall in love and get married. I'm just saying why don't you try having one guy that you regularly go back to for sex, actually know their name at least, and then maybe, I don't know, actually be okay with enjoying it. Maybe once you see that the world doesn't end when you do, you can start to forgive yourself."

I think about what she's saying, and I know what I should want to do but it's so hard to let go. I'm not even sure if I want to forgive myself.

She grabs my wrist and shakes it gently trying to get my attention. "Come on Clary, you said yourself you came here to start over, this is your chance."

"Okay...okay, I'll try but I'm not making any promises. What do I have to do?"

"Great. Just tell me what he looks like, if I don't know him, I'll go look through my last couple yearbooks or ask Jordan if he knows him."

"Well, he's kinda tall...I mean, I guess anyone is tall next to me, but I'd say maybe slightly taller than Jordan. He's muscular, but not overly so...and he's got this like golden hair that comes just past his ears" As I'm telling her this, I see her eyes widen at the description and I'm already getting the feeling that she knows exactly who I'm talking about, but I continue anyway. "and his eyes are the most unusual shade of amber"

And that's what does it. Suddenly I Maia has spit out her milkshake all over our table, and she's practically choking. "What's wrong? You know him, don't you?" I ask, grabbing napkins from the dispenser and handing them to her as she tries to compose herself.

She's still having trouble not coughing "Clary, I do know him...and he's right there" she gets out, nodding her head in the direction of the to-go counter, where sure enough, Goldie is standing there flirting with none other than Kaelie who not surprisingly is laughing and talking with that horrific nasally high pitched voice of hers while leaning on the counter trying to shove her boobs in his face. And of course, he looks like he's thoroughly enjoying it. No surprise there, I knew I wasn't his type.

"You know what, never mind...I can't do this, I don't know what I was thinking" I tell her, just as he glances over in our directions and he looks surpised to see me, but quickly puts his attention back on Kaelie, who he appears to be exchanging numbers with if their swapping of cell phones is any indication.

I take a last sip of my drink and throw a ten on the table for my food before getting up and running out of the diner. I can hear Maia calling after me and I can feel Goldies eyes on me as I fling the door open and exit, but don't bother to stop for either of them. The feeling of yet another panic attack is bubbling up inside of me and the last place I want to be when it finally happens, is anywhere public. I run as fast as my short legs can take me back to my room, slamming the door shut as I pull out a pack of Twizzlers and throw myself on my bed...the whole time wondering why the hell I have to be so damn screwed up.

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Okay, don't shoot me. I know this chapter had no Clace in it, but there's some stuff that has to happen before we can get to that point. It's coming though, I promise. Hopefully the wait will be worth it.

The next chapter is nearly complete and now that I've found a place with wifi near my house and how to make my tablet let me upload stories, you might just get that chapter in the next couple of days instead of having to wait a week for it :)

Also, I received a pm about the title of my story...yes, it is taken from the song These Days are Ours by Emma Hewitt. I highly recommend checking out her stuff. Her album Burn the Sky Down is what I have on loop when I'm writing this story. Props for recognizing it!


	4. Chapter 4

Once again a big thank you to _StillLostinaFairyTale, _my lone reviewer for the last chapter. Your reviewsrock! If anyone wants to know how to leave a great review, just go check out hers.

Again, I own nothing.

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~*Jace*~

So, my fiery little redhead's name is Clary.

I stopped into Taki's to grab some burgers for me and Sebastian before football practice, and I never expected to see her there, sitting with Maia. As soon as I did I tried to wrap up my conversation with the overly flirtatious waitress, Kitty, Kandy...no, wait...it's Kaelie. She had insisted on swapping numbers, and that was fine with me. By the looks of her, it wouldn't take much to get her into bed. With the thoughts that have been whirling through my mind since the club last night, I was going to need the distraction. I wanted so badly to go talk to her. I know she said it was a one time thing, but if I were being honest I really didn't care if I never got to have sex with her again, I really just wanted to get to know her. But when she stormed out of the diner, leaving Maia in the dust I knew that following her would be a bad idea, even if it was taking every ounce of willpower I had to anchor myself there and not go running out the door after her.

Plus, Maia appeared to be friendly with her, and being friends with Maia's boyfriend Jordan I knew I could probably just get some information from her. Luckily, she was coming right to me. This would be easy.

"Maia" I greeted her casually, nodding my head at her slightly.

Her stance was stiff and she was glaring at me, her mouth set in a slight frown. "Jace" she replied, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Your friend okay? She looked upset." I wasn't sure if Clary had told her anything, and I wasn't going to be the one to spill the beans. Clary, damn, I even love her name. No, wait...like, I like her name, I like her. Jace Lightwood doesn't love anyone, at least not anyone that isn't family. Especially not a random girl I've had sex with one time, in storage closet in the back of a club at that. Even if it was the best sex I ever had, I wasn't going to let it fuck me up like that.

She just shrugged "She'll be okay, eventually"

I quirked my brow at her "what do you mean, eventually?" whatever it was, certainly didn't sound good.

Leaning in closer to me she spoke harshly "don't hurt her Jace. She's not like the other girls." she glanced pointedly over at Kaelie who was trying and failing at inconspicuously evesdropping while rummaging through receipts.

"So you know about last night then" I said as more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah, I do...and like I said, don't hurt her. She's had enough of that to last ten lifetimes, she doesn't need to get her heart broken by someone like you" to make a point she jabbed her neatly manicured fingernail into my chest.

"Don't plan on it. She told me last night it was a one time thing, I can respect that." I said all the while screaming in my head that it was a lie, I couldn't stay away from her even if I tried.

At that Maia smirked, "don't be so sure about that...I'm working on it. Just might take some time."

"BUT" she said firmly "I'm trusting you, because Jordan does. But if you hurt her, just remember, Jordan is out of the academy now, fully trained and licensed to carry a firearm and to just generally kick your ass...don't think for a second I won't get him to do it."

I put my hands up defensively, shocked at how protective she seemed to be over her friend, though I've never seen the two of them together before. Though I had no doubt she was being serious. Jordan may be one of my closest friends, but it's an ongoing joke between us guys that Maia keeps his balls on a leash.

"Yes ma'am"

"Good, then here's her number" she hands me a ripped piece of napkin with a number and 'Clary' scribbled on it. "You can start out by texting her, but wait until I text you and give the okay. I need to check on her first, and if you call her it could just freak her out and send her running the other direction."

"Thanks Maia...really, thank you" I say, happy and relieved that she's willing to help me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - – - - - -

The entire walk to the field, all I could think about was Clary, and what Maia had said. I've checked my phone at least a dozen times hoping that Maia went straight to her and would have sent me the okay to contact her already. There's absoultely no explanation as to why I feel like this. I've never cared before about getting to know a girl, but this girl...she's different. Maybe it's just that she's mysterious that draws me in, mere curiosity. But then there's that bit that Maia had mentioned, about Clary having been hurt too much already. When I heard that, I felt my heart clinch and a push to find out why and how and who hurt her. To track them down and make them suffer like she has. In my head, I can picture a happier Clary. One that is smiling and laughing and having fun in life, and I want to be the one there with her when she experiences it all. I just have to find a way to get her to let me in.

Suddenly, my thoughts are interrupted by a whack to the back of the head. Looking up, I find Sebastian looking at me, brows raised in question. I put my hand up and rub my head where he hit me and glare at him "Dude, what the hell?"

"What the hell? I've been standing here for the last five minutes talking to you and you're not even listening to me. Did you even realize I was standing here?" He said, grabbing the bag with the burgers from my hand and pulling his out before sitting down on the bench next to me.

I look around and notice other players starting to make their way onto the field. It seems like the more I think about her the more I'm losing time, and I can't believe that I've sat here in a daze for what must have been at least 20 minutes.

"No, sorry I guess I was lost in thought."

"Haha, yeah, you got laid. Must have been good if you're still spacing out the next day."

I pull my burger out and lean back against the bench behind me. "You know me Seb, I'm always getting laid, side effect of my good looks and all that."

"What's her name?" he asks, giving me a sidelong glance.

Without even thinking about it I respond "don't know". I'm not sure why I don't tell him. I've known Sebastian since we were in 3rd grade and there isn't really anything that I don't share with him. For some reason though, I feel the need to keep Clary a secret. Sure, she's not my usual type, and I doubt that he would judge me on that, but she feels special. Like she deserves to not be talked about like she's just some piece of ass. Which is our typical conversation when we share details of our conquests.

"Oh, come on you gotta give me something. She's got you spacing out the next day and you're going to tell me you don't know anything about her?"

"Seb, do I really ever know anything about the girls I fuck? Not like I keep them around long enough to find out."

"I guess, you just seem different this time so I was curious. Anyway, you going back tonight?"

"Nope, got plans, you?" I don't elaborate, knowing that I'd probably just catch shit from him if I told him that the only thing I plan on doing tonight is wait around for the ok to talk to Clary. And that surprisingly, I have no interest in going to pick up some random chick. Not now that I know there might be a chance of being with her again.

"Hell yeah I'm going. It's ladies night, and they're having some guest DJ so the place will be packed with sweet pieces of ass to fuck."

I can't help rolling my eyes. Ever heard of the phrase 'notch in a bed post'? Yeah, Seb has an actual bedpost that he marks after each girl. His goal...to fill it before his 18th birthday which is only a few months away. That usually means he ends up with at least 3 girls per night. He may be my best friend but I'll be the first to say that he's too competitive for his own good. The whole thing started freshman year when the quarterback of the varsity team openly bragged about having screwed every girl on both our school's cheer squad and that of our rivals. I may screw around with girls so that I feel like I have control over _something_ in my life, but what he did was nothing more than a game but I never let my irritation at that show.

"I'm sure" I reply, just as coach calls us out onto the field. I take one more look at my phone and sigh when I see no new messages before tossing it into my bag and going out to practice.

~*Clary*~

Not long after I managed to settle my panic attack, Maia had showed up trying to get me to talk to her. I knew what she wanted to talk about, but I had no interest in dredging it all up again. I had already decided her idea of trying something new just wasn't going to work. Not when the thought of it, and actually seeing him sent me into a panic attack that lasted the better part of an hour. Letting someone get close to me...not a good idea. He'd only end up getting hurt and then I'd have to live with even more guilt than I already do. Luckily, I managed to brush her off telling her that I had stuff to do for Luke and that if she wasn't busy tonight I'd be at Pandemonium if she wanted to talk. Hopefully, it was enough of a hint that I wasn't going through with her plan.

And it wasn't as if it was a total lie. Luke, who had been close friends with my parents, agreed to let me stay in the hostel he owned once my Great Aunt Matilda tossed me out on my ass after finding a guy in my bed for about the twentieth time. She had lectured me endlessly about how it was unacceptable and unbecoming of a young woman to be such a harlot and that if I wanted to act like one then I should live like one. Handing me my bags and a one way bus ticket to the city, she shoved me out her door and told me to not bother coming back until I learned how to act like a proper lady. It didn't surprise me that my mother always despised the woman even though she was the only living relative she had left. At least she was kind enough to have called Luke, and he had been waiting at the bus station to pick me up. He allowed me to stay in the only single room the hostel had with the agreement that it would be my job to tend to the cleaning of the place, keeping the shared kitchen pantry stocked with basics and registering new guests when he needed to be elsewhere. I couldn't complain, it was better than having to pay rent and allowed whatever money I made at Taki's to go into savings. There were no rules, and Luke didn't ask questions despite knowing why I was sent here. He just offered to be a friendly ear if I needed someone to talk to and I was grateful for that.

The only thing he tried to be adamant about was registering for school and finishing my senior year at Raziel Academy instead of through homeschooling like I had been doing since the first grade. He claimed that I needed to have the full high school senior experience and that it would be nice if I graduated from the same school him and my parents had. Though I had agreed to it, just to appease him, I had the feeling that if I had put my foot down, he would have dropped it. But at least I didn't have to think about it for a couple more weeks, and during that time, this is exactly where you'll find me every night...leaning up against the bar at Pandemonium, getting drunk and finding my next fuck. Anything to get the thoughts of Goldie out of my head while drowning away the past in the displeasure of being what anyone not as eloquent as good out Aunt Matilda would simply call...a whore.

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Okay, so you can see more people filtering into the story now, yay! We're getting somewhere.

Reviews are my happy pills, so please leave one and let me know what you love, what you hate, or what you want to see happen. Any theories on our OOC Jace & Clary yet?

Next chapter is ready to go aside from a few edits, and will be posted sometime tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

~*Clary*~

When I came in, I wasn't surprised that I instinctively looked for Goldie in the crowd. He's been front and center in almost every thought I've had since last night. It took a while, weaving through what seemed to be hundreds of people that had amassed for ladies night and some popular DJ that I didn't give a rats ass about, before I ended up here at the bar...Goldie nowhere in sight. I'm sitting here, taking shot after shot of whatever cheap crap they have on special tonight instead of my usual because frankly I just don't care tonight. I'm here for one reason only and the quicker I get it and get out the better, otherwise I'm likely to just sit here staring at nothing for the next several hours trying to decide whether I'm more relieved or disappointed that he isn't here, which certainly isn't going to help me achieve my goal.

One advantage to this place being packed is that it doesn't take long to find my mark for the night. He's a pretty attractive guy, not like Goldie is, and he's not as tall as him either though they are built pretty similar. And here I am comparing the guy I'm about to use to get my mind off of Goldie to him, like an idiot. But I don't care, because from the way he's jerking the girl around in his arms and rubbing himself all over her despite the discomfort at the gesture that she's displaying on her face, I can tell he's here for the same thing I am. Unlike the girl in front of him, I'll be happy to give it to him.

I hop off my stool and make my way over to him, not even trying to be subtle or flirt as I remove his hands from the waist of the poor girl who looks like she might be in shock at being touched like that by him, and move them so that they're firmly planted on my ass. I can tell by the look on his face and his scrunched up nose that I'm probably not his type, but I don't care and something tells me he doesn't either as he pulls me closer to him grinding the bulge at the front of his black jeans against me. I find myself running my fingers through his hair that falls just above his ears as I chuckle to myself when my thoughts drift to thinking that at least his hair is black...like, so black it's almost blue and I find myself wondering briefly if maybe he dyes it that color, but at least it's not gold.

Wrapping my hands firmly around the back of his neck as I yank his head down roughly, I quietly make my proposition. "I know I'm not your type, and you're not mine but if you wanna follow me I'm sure I can give you what you're wanting." When I pull back from him, he looks amused but nods his head, and grabs my hand pulling me to the back of the club, back down the same hall I walked through last night. As his hand reaches for the knob of the storage room I panic and quickly pull him back, heading for the other side of the hall where the ladies restroom is. I may want to forget about Goldie, but I know going back in that storage room isn't the way to do that...and in some way I kind of feel like that spot is now off limits, it's like 'our' place...you know, if there actually was an 'us' and I wasn't a screwed up head case that insisted on never screwing the same guy twice.

I yank him through the door, pulling my hand out of his when I find a girl fixing her makeup in the mirror. She's beautiful, striking even, with her long raven black hair hanging down by her waist, and her tight skimpy blue sequin dress that barely covers her ass or her boobs...high heeled boots up to her knees that maker her tower over me. I clear my throat and cross my arms over my chest, suddenly self conscious of the fact that I don't even come close to the way she looks in my pathetic cami, skinny jeans and combat boots. She turns to look at me and after doing a double take and glancing between me and the guy I dragged in here with me, her eyes go wide and she looks like she's about to say something. Getting impatient and more insecure by the minute I glare at her, but she gets the hint and pulls her cell phone out of her bag before closing it up and stares at me the whole time as my eyes follow her to the door. She looks away as she opens it but then turns back, her mouth opening and closing like she really wants to say something to me but can't find the words. Instead she just shakes her head as though she disapproves of what I'm about to do before slipping out the door. Not that I actually care what the hell some stranger thinks about me, but it was more than a little odd. I turn around, find in dude leaning up against the stalls casually with a mischievous smirk on his face. It give me chills, and not the good kind.

"That was weird, you know her?" I ask, figuring that must be why whe was acting so weird.

He shrugs "you could say that. Best friends sister."

Well, at least that makes more sense. I nod and move past him, pushing open the first three stalls checking to make sure they're empty. When I go to push the last one open, it's locked and I'm pretty sure that with how long we've been in here, there isn't just some innocent girl just using the restroom in there. I take a step back and kick out with my boot, door slamming open to reveal just about what I expected a couple heavily making out, halfway undressed.

"OUT...NOW!" I shout at them as they scramble to pick up their clothes trying to shield exposed body parts while they make their way out the door. Following them, I immediately twist the lock on the door. Just as it clicks into place, I can feel dude come up behind me just before he shoves me face first into the door, holding my head there with his hand splayed across the back of my neck, thumb not so gently caressing my jaw.

He leans in and whispers in my ear, his breath hot and heavy against the side of my face. "That was fucking hot".

Keeping me pushed against the door he brings his other hand around, and underneath my top, groping harshly at my breast, pinching my nipple until I feel pain shoot through it, and then does the same with the other before roughly shoving his hand down the front of my jeans and rubbing at my clit. I have to keep reminding myself that this is what I need when the feeling like I've got to puke starts building and everything in me tells me to run out of here, just like every other time.

Finally, he pulls his hand back out of my pants and grips my hair with it, pulling my head back. Licking my face along my jaw up to my ear where he bites down on the lobe before he pulls back and steps away, my hair still tangled in his fingers as he pulls me by it over to the counter with several sinks across it. I look in the mirror and can already see the beginnings of a slight bruise over my cheek bone where it met the door.

He's standing behind me, my hair pulled to the side as he's biting on my neck and shoulder. The smirk still hasn't left his face when he reaches around and undoes the button and zipper on my jeans, pushing them down over my hips to my knees. I'm watching him in the mirror when he pushes his knee between my legs spreading them apart as he leans me further over the sink and jabs his fingers inside me. It's uncomfortable and I love it. This...this is what I came here for last night and instead just ended up with the total opposite. Gentle hands and kisses replaced with rough aggression...calloused fingers gripping onto my hips, sure to leave bruises as he rams himself in and out of me hard and fast. The only indication that he was going from his fingers to this...the empty foil wrapper tossed on the counter next to me. He wants me to watch him, that much is clear when every time I try to lower my head he yanks it back up by my hair so that my eyes are locked on his through the mirror.

Eventually he lets my head relax, and I can tell he's getting close as his movements are becoming more and more jerky. I take the moment to look at myself in the mirror and am shocked to find tears rolling freely down my face. I may not have noticed it until now, but I know why I'm crying, and it's not because I'm in pain. It's uncomfortable for sure, he's definitely not lacking in size, but it doesn't hurt though I'm sure to be a little sore in the morning. No...I'm crying because I know deep down this isn't what I want. I want gentle and loving, I want the foreplay and the kisses and I want it to feel good. What I want is Goldie. I never expected it and never wanted it, but that boy has changed some fundamental part of myself.

~*Jace*~

I'm on my third mango smoothie, sitting here at the diner still waiting on a text from Maia. I know it's pathetic. I even tried texting Jordan and just got 'movie talk later' in response. Normally, I would have rolled my eyes at that and texted him back something about how he needs to quit being a sap and to remember bros before hoes, but I can't find it in me to do it this time. Because if anything, I'm jealous of him. Yes, I'm the king of the pack, the one all the guys look up to...and I'm jealous of Jordan who is curled up on the couch with his girl watching a movie. When I got the text, I immediately imagined it being me, laying on a couch, Clary curled into my side...my hands running through her silky red curls while we attempt to watch some cheesy chick flick. I want that, more than I've probably ever wanted anything, and I want it with her. I've always kept everyone at arms length, never allowing myself to feel too much. The constant reminder in my head that those you love will get hurt, they'll hurt you, or they'll leave. But in one strange night, this amazing and beautiful little red head made me question everything I've ever known about myself and what I want.

My phone buzzes indicating a new text message and I take a deep breath, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst as I pick up the phone and flick across the screen bringing it to life. And the breath comes out of me like a popped balloon. It's not Maia, it's Izzy...my adopted sister who is equal parts loveable and annoying.

_**Jace, where are you? - Iz**_

_Taki's, why?- J_

_**That girl you mentioned earlier. Short, red head, cute little thing. Does she have bright green eyes and a bit of a temper?- Iz**_

While the description was accurate, I'd have to guess on the temper but if the way she stormed out of here this morning was any indication, it was pretty likely.

_Yes, what about her?- J_

It was taking forever for her response and the longer the wait, the more nervous I got. I know Izzy, and if it's taking her that long to text, it's because she's trying to figure out the best way to say something and typing and deleting a half dozen times to get it just right. But I'm getting impatient.

_Iz, you there?- J_

_**Jace, just get to Pan...NOW!- Iz**_

The sinking feeling in my chest hit instantly as I quickly tossed some money on the table and grabbed my jacket practically running out of the door towards Pandemonium. Izzy doesn't demand. If anything, she'll try to sweet talk you and bribe you so if she's demanding that I get there now, then I'm not expecting anything good when I do show up. At a full run, the five blocks to the club is nothing and I arrive only a few minutes later. Before going in I send her a quick message.

_Here, where are you?- J_

_**Back hall, hurry.- Iz**_

When I finally make my way back there, Izzy is standing against the wall tapping her foot and gnawing away at her manicured nails. It confirms for me that whatever it is, is bad.

"What the hell Iz, what's the emergency?" I ask her, looking down the hall where her eyes seem to be fixed.

She holds her free hand up to me, before she turns to me with a sad look on her face.

"I'm sorry, Jace, I should have called you right away...it's just that I wasn't entirely sure you were being serious when you told me about her and how you felt, and then I wasn't sure that's what they were going to do...I thought maybe she was just going to talk to him, or argue or something...because she looked pissed, but they've been in there a while and I can hear them and he's...I know he's...but I didn't know what to do."

She's rambling and talking a mile a minute so I put my hands on her shoulders to get her to focus.

"Okay, Iz, breathe. Now what the hell are you talking about? Who's he and what does it have to do with Clary?"

Taking a deep breath she quickly looks over to her left. From the corner of my eye I can make out movement in the hall but I don't actually look until she inclines her head in that direction, as she once again says "I'm sorry, Jace"

Call me slow, but at first I think nothing of it when I see Seb walking down the hall towards us, fixing the zipper on his jeans and straightening his shirt out with a big smile on his face. Until I glance behind him and see her. Clary. She's walking out of the girls bathroom, arms wrapped around herself, head down. When she looks up at me a look of surprise flashes across her face, but it does nothing to hide the tear streaked makeup on her face. In that moment, I'm seeing red...and I don't mean her hair. Before I can even think I'm grabbing Seb by the collar of his polo and slamming him into the wall.

"What the hell did you do to her, you son of a bitch!" His response is to just smirk at me, and I'm not satisfied with that. I know he's been my friend for what seems like forever, but I don't care. All I know is that he's done something to Clary and I want to make him pay for it...and I do, punching him over and over. One to the face, a few to the gut...his nose is bloody and he's holding his stomach but he still just has that stupid smirk on his damn face like he doesn't even care.

"What's the hell's wrong with you Jace?" he asks smugly "Oh, don't tell me...that's the girl from last night. The one that's got you spacing out and forgetting plays that you've known forever. Quite the little tiger isn't she?" he asks as he lets out a laugh, shaking his head at me. What a dick. He just had to bring up the practice from hell we had today, when the coach threatened to bench me during the first game of the season if I didn't get my shit together.

As I pull my arm back, ready to lay into him again, I feel a small hand grip my bicep. When I turn to look at who it belongs to, it's her. I loosen my grip on Seb enough that he's able to pull away from me. I can vaguely hear him still laughing at me when she talks, but all of my attention is on her now. I want to just grab her and hold her and wipe the tears away from her face. Comfort her the way no one has me. But I can see she doesn't want any sympathy, there's an edge to the glare of her eyes as she looks at me.

"Don't...he didn't do anything to me." She removes her hand from my arm and takes a couple of steps back, the look she's giving me softening and holding what looks to almost be an apology in them, but I don't understand. God, she's the most confusing person I think I've ever met.

Suddenly Seb steps up and slaps my arm in a friendly gesture, a smile on his face. "See man, nothing to worry about. I just gave the little slut exactly what she wanted." I glance from him to her, she's closed her eyes and is shaking her head slightly as she takes a deep breath and stomps off towards the door, the same way she had at Taki's this morning. It's a little surprising that she didn't even try to defend herself from him calling her names, most girls would, but she just seemed almost amused by it. But I'm not, amused that is, if anything I'm wondering why the hell I ever wanted to be friends with this asshole. With that thought, I slam my fist into his face once more before turning and running out of the club after Clary.

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Wow, so yeah, that happened. I know, she had sex with someone other than Jace. Don't shoot me. It needed to happen. Just keep in mind that my Clary is very clearly OOC and has serious issues she's trying to deal with and while we might be shocked at her behavior...in this story, it's just part of who she is.

That being said, you can feel free to rant and tell me off all you want in the reviews ;)

Looking at another few days for the next update at least, have a few Revolution stories that I need to get updated first.


	6. Chapter 6

_I'm super sorry for the long delay in updating. To be honest, I have no good excuse. I've just been too darn lazy to walk downtown to the library to update. And since there's only maybe one or two people that seem interested in the story, it wasn't super motivating. Of course, that's not to say that I haven't been writing. I certainly have been a busy bee in that department. This chapter and the next has been sitting here ready to go for the last month at least. Please read A/N at the bottom for more._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. TMI and any references to such belong to the always amazing Cassandra Claire._

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When I made it through the crowd and outside the club, I found the streets mostly deserted apart from a noisy street sweeper truck and what appeared to be a homeless man, methodically going through the trash bins lining the street, pulling out pop cans and tossing them into the stolen shopping cart next to him. But I didn't find her. At least not until I really looked, where I finally saw her about a block and a half away, the messy bun on top of her head bouncing up and down as she hurried away from the club.

I wanted to run after her, but in this part of town especially at this hour, running up behind anyone is a good way to get yourself maced, stabbed, or worse. So I went for the next best option. Pulling out my cell phone and quickly scrolling to the entry with her name and number I tapped it to send a message.

_**Clary, please wait, I just want to talk to you.**_

I started heading in her direction and saw her stop briefly, reaching into her back pocket. Part of me wondered when she saw the text if she would wait or run as fast as she could to get away from me. I was surprised, but pleased when I saw her start walking again and then hesitate and stop before turning around and waiting for me. It had started raining, and when I reached her and saw her face it took me a moment to realize that the water on her face wasn't raindrops, but yet more tears. Another wave of anger hit me seeing her like this. Seb said he hadn't done anything to her and she had agreed but why she would be this upset if he hadn't made no sense to me. I reached out my hand to brush the tears away and she flinched away from my touch.

"Clary, please just tell me what's wrong" I pleaded, and I could practically see the wheels turning in her head deciding if she was going to tell me the truth or not.

She sighed before replying "nothing" as she crossed her arms over her chest. Despite the steamy end of summer temp and the warm rain pouring over us, I could see the goosebumps on her arms in the shadow of the streetlight that filtered over us. I wanted to run my hands over her arms to rid her of them, but with her being like a skittish cat, I didn't want to attempt any touching for fear she'd take off again.

I raised a brow at her, letting her know subtly that I didn't believe her. Her shoulders slumped at the look but her face remained unreadable. I knew she wouldn't give in, so I figured I'd take the easy way out. Anything to keep her around me just a little bit longer.

"Well, it's late and you shouldn't be out walking by yourself, do you mind if I just walk you home?"

"I don't know you, why would I let you walk me home?" she said with a smirk playing at her lips.

"Actually, I'd say after last night you do know me, but fine" I reach out my hand to hers, "Jace Lightwood"

She stared at my hand for a moment before placing her small hand in mine and gripping it firmly while giving it a good shake, the sizzle and burn of her touch even stronger than when her hands had been on me last night.

"Clary Fray" she replied "though I believe you already know that...hold on, how do you know my name anyway?"

The way her nose scrunched up and lines creased between her brows was so cute it made me want to laugh and reach up to smooth out the lines.

"Your friend Maia, I heard her calling your name. She's also where I got your phone number"

She dropped my hand and huffed, rolling her eyes "I'm gonna kill her"

While Maia had given him he information freely, he sure as hell wasn't about to sell her out for trying to help him.

"To be fair, I made her give it to me."

She simply nodded at that, turned and started walking. She got only a few steps away before turning back with a slight smile on her face. "You coming? And with that, I caught up with her, walking quietly by her side until we stopped in front of an old gray building. The only thing to indicate what it was, was a dilapidated old metal sign dangling from a couple of hooks above the door.

I raised an eyebrow at her questioningly. "You live in a hostel? How old are you anyway?"

Shrugging as she pulled out a key "yeah, I do...and I'm seventeen." Her voice was cold and short and I knew not to push that line of questioning anymore, though it made me wonder even more about the strange girl before me. It didn't seem that any of my questions would be answered tonight though, if ever, as she hesitated at the door once it was unlocked seemingly waiting for me to make my exit.

"Well Clary, have a good night" I said, giving a little wave. But as I turned to walk away after not getting a response she reached out and grabbed my hand, turning me back towards her. She was biting her lip and staring at the ground between our feet. She appeared almost timid and shy and so unlike anything that I've seen from her since we met. "Clary?" I questioned, hoping to snap her out of whatever thoughts had her feeling that way.

Finally she looked up at me, and while she still looked somewhat nervous, the way her shoulders straightened up and her eyes brightened told me that some of that confidence of hers was coming back.

"Jace, do you want to stay?"

Her words sent a flurry of emotions through me, and not at all the ones I would have expected. I mean shit, yeah, I was excited at the thought of being able to spend more time with her. But then there were these other feelings I was having that seemed to be warring with themselves. One of those being that she wanted me there. Someone wanted me to stay, was asking me if I wanted to. Usually I ended up asking friends if I could stay there with them and they said yes simply because they didn't want to be rude. Even Mayrse and Robert, as much as they tried to hide it, never really "wanted" me there, they just took me in because my dad put it in his will that he wanted them to raise me if anything ever happened to him. But this crazy, beautiful girl who I only just met yesterday that was bit by bit stealing pieces of my heart wanted me here with her. As great as that feeling was, it only clashed with the other part of me that suddenly realized that getting to know her, meant her getting to know me. It was something that I hadn't really thought about until now. If I expected her to open up to me, she would no doubt expect the same in return.

The conflicting thoughts must have been evident on my face because she pulled her hand away from me as she started babbling. "You don't have to, don't worry about it, I get it, I mean I know you know what I did with that guy back at the club and I'm sure that you probably just think I'm some kind of trashy whore now, and that's fine, I mean I am so I get it, it was just a thought anyway...a really stupid thought, I mean why would you or hell, anyone for that matter want to..."

I threw my hands out and gripped her shoulders lightly to get her attention. "Clary" I whispered, trying to calm her. "I'll stay." Her lips turned up in what just might be the first genuine smile I've seen on her face. I knew that this wasn't going to be easy for me, but if opening up about my life meant that I might get the chance to have her be part of it, I think it's worth it. Besides, she doesn't have to know everything in one night, right?

She grabs my hand, twining her delicate fingers with mine as she pulls me through the door before locking it behind us. I don't have time to take in the surroundings, other than noticing a couple people hanging out in what appears to be a tv room, before we head up three flights of stairs to what she calls 'her floor'. Once we get there she unlocks another door and swings it open, standing to the side and motioning for me to enter. It's completely dark aside from the glow of what appears to be a vintage lava lamp. She leaves me standing there for a minute while she goes to turn on the lights, and when she does I can't help but be more than a little surprised at her accommodations considering the fact that she lives in a place that pretty much just houses temporary boarders as they're passing through town.

I turn to look at her where she's standing just behind me, off to the side, chewing on her nails clearly waiting for my reaction. My brows raise "you have an apartment...in a hostel?" I ask, hoping that she'll actually answer me instead of clamming up.

"Yep" she shrugs. "It's meant to be the owners, or managers living quarters, but he also owns a bookstore just down the street and lives in the apartment over it, so he gave me this." She says setting down her keys on the table and taking off her boots before making her way into the kitchen. The apartment is small, and the kitchen, living room and dining room are all open to each other but looks as if it's all be recently remodeled and updated with more modern furnishings.

"This is...really nice Clary. And he just gave it to you?" I ask, pulling out a stool at the island and sitting there as she rummages through the refrigerator, pulling out a couple of sodas.

A sad smile appears on her face before she shakes it off and responds. "Not something I'm really ready to talk about if that's okay with you."

"That's fine, what can we talk about?" I ask as she moves and opens the pantry closet door. What I see there has me instantly bursting out into laughter, causing her to drop the box of popcorn she had in her hand and turn to me with a completely startled look on her face.

"What?" she screeches.

"I thought you were kidding about the Twizzler thing."

She looks at the pantry, then looks back and me, and back to the pantry and starts laughing herself. Leaning over onto the island her face becomes very serious, and I hope that I haven't insulted her.

"Mr Lightwood" she starts, tapping her nails on the counter as her eyes narrow into a glare "I kid about a lot of things and Twizzlers..."pausing, she has me shifting in my seat getting nervous at her gaze she looks almost scary like that, "are not one of them." I'm staring at her with what I hope is a fairly blank expression, waiting for her to tell me to get the hell out or something when she puts her head down on the counter and whole body starts shaking with laughter. The relief that she was obviously just messing with me has me release the breath I had been holding.

She looks up from under a layer of her hair that has fallen over her face. "You should have seen your face, Jace. You looked like you were gonna pee your pants or go running out of here."

"What do you expect, you kind of looked like you were gonna stab me or something" I smirk at her.

"Of course not, just saw an opportunity to mess with you. Besides, you're the first person that's seen my stash."

"Popcorn?" she asks picking up the box off the floor, pulling out a package and tossing it in the microwave.

I nod in response to her question. "I'm truly honored to be the first. I mean usually when people our age talk about their 'stash', they're referring to weed, or alcohol...or porn magazines."

Her brow quirks up at that and she smirks at me "and which of those stashes are you in possession of, Jace?"

"You really need to ask that? I'm a hormonal seventeen year old guy, what do you think"

"I figured" she says, nodding as she pours the finished popcorn into a bowl. "Just was curious if you would be honest about it."

"Ahhh, so you were testing me"

"I guess, if you want to call it that. I just don't have time or patience to deal with liars, and I figure if you were gonna lie about something as silly as porn magazines, then you'd probably lie about the important stuff too." She says, tossing some of the popcorn into her mouth while heading over to another door and motioning with her head to follow, which I do.

Behind the door is her bedroom, and it's surprisingly large, as big if not bigger than the living room/kitchen area we just left. It's rather plain, a dresser and a desk off to one side, and a nice queen size bed off to the other. The only pop of color coming from the jewel toned bedding and a canvas panting setting on an easel by the window with a small table of art supplies next to it. The painting draws me in, and I can't help running my fingers over the raises and dips of the bright colors splashed on it.

"You're an artist?"

She's quiet for a long moment before responding.

"Not anymore"

"Why not?" I ask, shocked, her work is so good it should be in a gallery or something, not hidden away like this.

"Again, not something I really want to talk about"

"Is there anything that's not off limits to talk about?" Chuckling lightly, I turn to find her climbing into bed. I'm nearly frozen in place when I see that she's wearing nothing but an oversize t-shirt that from here I can see she only has a pair of lacy black panties on underneath. I have to force myself not to stare and wonder how the hell I'm going to keep my hands to myself long enough to get to actually learn something about her.

Once she has settled in, she pats the bed next to her so I walk around and sit myself down next to her, grabbing a handful of popcorn.

"Are you gonna sleep like that?" she asks, smirking at me.

I look down at my clothes and shrug. "Normally I sleep naked."

She giggles at my response, and I just love hearing that sound coming from her. It's eerily exactly like the giggle I imagined her having when I thought of what a happy Clary would sound like. The familiarity of it though is almost unsettling, and I'm not really sure why.

"Okay, yeah, maybe you don't need to be naked, but you can at least get comfortable."

At that I quickly pull off my jeans and t-shirt leaving me just in a pair of boxers before sliding back into the bed under the sheet with her.

"Alright, now that you've got me nearly naked" I wink at her "you've gotta answer some questions...I really do want to get to know you."

"Okay" she smiles "but there's going to be some ground rules"

"I can live with that"

"Basic questions are okay...likes, dislikes, friends, school, work, but direct questions about family and our pasts are completely voluntary. If we don't want to answer it, we just say pass and move on. Is that okay with you?"

"Yep, but I'm going first. Favorite color."

"All of them. Yours?"

"Right...artist...should have known that. It was black, but I'm pretty sure it's green now." Yes, I know it's horribly cliché but I can't help myself. The particular shade of green that her eyes are is completely mesmerizing. It doesn't surprise me that she seems to know my reasons when a blush creeps up her cheeks. "Anyway, what grade are you in and what school are you going to?"

"Well, I'm registered as a senior at Raziel Academy, but I only need a few more credits to graduate so it's kind of pointless for me to even go but Luke wants me to go, so I'm going."

A feeling of disappointment and jealousy runs through me. I am a little surprised that she has a boyfriend, considering that she had sex with me last night, and Seb tonight though. "Luke?" I ask, hoping that I'm just completely off base.

"He's the owner of this place, watches out for me. He thinks that since I've pretty much only been home schooled that I need to have the "real high school experience", whatever that means" she rolls her eyes "what about you?"

"Senior at Raziel, Favorite subject in school...other than art"

"Believe it or not, I wouldn't have said art even if you hadn't put that stipulation on it. Art has never been my favorite subject. It's too easy, I like a challenge so either English lit or history, I like them both pretty equally. Yours?"

"Well, there's one thing in common...my favorite is history too. Favorite food?"

"Chinese, specifically sesame chicken. Yours?"

"Same on the Chinese, and I'll eat just about any of it and be happy. Favorite animal?"

"Um...I don't think I have one, I've never had any pets. Do you have one?"

"We have a cat, who I'm not entirely fond of. I prefer horses."

"Interesting. Next question?"

"Favorite birthday?"

"Never had one of those either. You?"

"Wait...you've never had a birthday party?"

She puts the now empty popcorn bowl on the floor next to the bed before shrinking further down into her pillows. I know this is an iffy one, since it does involve her past, but I find it incredibly odd that the girl has never had a birthday party and I guess I'm feeling comfortable enough to push my luck.

"No. Not one that I remember anyway, but that's as much as I'm going to say about that. Now, what was yours?"

"When I was five, I wanted to take a bath in spaghetti, and my parents let me." I had expected her to laugh, it's the main reason I asked in the first place, but instead she's sitting there with an odd expression on her face and I can't really tell what she's thinking.

"A spaghetti bath?" she asks, quirking a brow at me.

"Yeah, I know it's a little unconventional, but I was five and I'm pretty sure my favorite food back then was spaghetti. I guess I just wanted to know what it would be like to swim in it, so they filled up the tub, I got my swim trunks on, and dived in. Though I can't say that I really remember now what it felt like."

She crosses her arms over her chest and she suddenly looks deep in thought.

"You bathed in spaghetti."

I wasn't sure if she was still questioning if it happened, or if she was simply stating it, surprised that someone would do that, so I just sat there waiting for her to process it, a little disappointed that I didn't' get the reaction I was hoping for.

"Are you sure you didn't just hear that somewhere? Because I swear I've heard that exact story somewhere before, or read it, or something."

"Of course I'm sure. But if you're saying someone else did that too, it's making me feel really unoriginal." Once again my efforts to lighten to mood aren't helping. If anything they seem to have put her more on edge by the way she's nervously playing with the chain around her neck and biting her thumb nail.

After several minutes of silence, she finally stops and takes a deep breath before talking. "Jace, do you mind if we just go to bed now? I'm kind of tired and I've got a shift at Taki's tomorrow."

"Sure, I'm pretty tired myself." I say, though I'm not anywhere close to being ready to sleep. I could sit here and talk to her for hours more and not be ready for it to end, but I don't want to push her. I can only hope that this isn't a sign that once daylight comes she'll push me away. I'm really kicking myself now for even mentioning the birthday thing. But if this is the last chance I get to be with her, then there's one thing that I just have to ask.

She leans over and switches off the bedside lamp and settles herself back in the bed, facing away from me. The only thing lighting the room is a faint amber glow from the streetlight outside her room.

"Hey, Clary?"

"Yeah?" she asks, and I can hear the sleepiness in her voice.

"Would it be okay if I hold you?"

She turns over on her back, staring up at the ceiling for several minutes before I see a smile cross her face.

"I think...yeah, I think that...maybe...I'd like that."

At that moment, I'm more than happy that there isn't any light on in the room, or she'd quickly see the huge silly grin on my face. I loop my arm around her waist and pull her to me, her back against my chest and her head resting on my arm. It takes just a couple of minutes before I feel her body relax in my arms.

"Goodnight Jace."

I lean forward and place a small kiss to the bare skin of her shoulder where her shirt has pulled away. "Goodnight Clary."

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_So, Clary took a big step in this chapter. Question is, will it last? And...I think we had some little details thrown in here that may lead towards other part in the story. Any ideas or theories yet?_

_The next chapter will be uploaded probably sometime tomorrow, maybe Wednesday. I kind of want to see what the reaction is to this first. Won't have to come back to the library though, I'll just have it uploaded but not published._

_If however, after that you find that you don't like waiting so long for updates, be sure to check out my profile which has the link to where I will also be updating my stories on Ao3. I can upload from my phone to that site, so chapters will go up faster there than they do here. Also, I have a couple other stories I'm going to be posting here that are more fluff than this under my other username xSweetSouthx._

_Please take the time to favorite, follow and review. I love this story and won't quit writing this story because I love it, but reviews to let me know what I'm doing wrong/right and what you love/hate are more likely to get you quicker updates._


	7. Chapter 7

_**And just like that I'm back for another update. Huge thank you to those of you that take the time to review! I even came to the library today so that I can add this purdy a/n here.**_

_**VMarsLover- Can't promise it will stick just yet, but hang in there...I'm definitely not a 'sad ending' type of writer.**_

_**AnnaW14- Thanks for the encouragement! Yes, it does suck that people don't share their opinions, especially when you have huge views/visits and then don't get any response. It's like grrr...come on people, I actually want to know who is reading my stuff, lol. And yes, I am loving taking Clary out of that ever so typical 'innocent girl' and writing her this way. Glad you're enjoying it!**_

_**StillLostInAFairytale- You my dear, where would I be without you. LoL. So glad my update put a smile on your face. You always have the best reviews, letting me know exactly what you're thinking about when reading the story. As for your thoughts- on Jace, if you re-read Ch. 1 you'll see that he's not homeless...he does live with the Lightwoods, but that he tries to steer clear of being around them as much as possible because he hates that he feels like he needs to live up to their expectations, and fails. And yes, this Jace is a puzzle. It's meant to be that way. You'll start getting more and more little glimpses into Jace which will hopefully start pulling all of that together for you and you'll be able to understand him a little more. As for Clary, yes...she is one big contradiction isn't she? In the early stages, it's something I love about her, maybe with time though, Jace will change some of that...ya know, if she keeps him around ;)**_

_**Warning: There is sexy time in this chapter. If you don't wish to read what is probably a horribly written lemon, then skip down to after the line break!**_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Literally...if you sue me, you won't get very far. Although I'd probably be willing to hand over the pregnant stray cat that won't leave my back porch.**_

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I was jolted awake by a pain in my ribs. When I blinked my eyes open to take in my surroundings it only took a second to remember that I was in bed with Clary when I looked down to find her thrashing in my arms, mumbling and whimpering as if she was hurt. Quickly, I sat up and rolled her over so that she was on her back as I pushed back the hair that was plastered to her forehead with sweat. My touches, and movements were doing nothing to stir her out of it. From my personal experience filled with all too real nightmares I knew that I had a fifty-fifty chance of making things better or worse by waking her. For me, I was grateful to anyone who could pull me out of it, and I had to hope that it would be the same for her.

Gently, I laid my hands on the slide of her face turning it towards me and caressing her cheeks lightly with my thumbs.

"Clary, wake up, you're okay...whatever it is you're safe, you can wake up."

She stilled, the thrashing coming to a stop and then the tears started streaming from her eyes which were tightly clenched shut, the nonsense that she kept mumbling before finally becoming understandable.

"No, please, you can't leave me. Don't leave, I'm sorry I promise I'll be better."

The words broke my heart. How could she ever think that anything she could ever do would make anyone leave her? I leaned forward, placing a kiss on her forehead before leaning close to her ear and whispering to her. "Clary baby, please wake up, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

And it's the truth. I know it's insane because I just met this girl, but there's something there between us that I can't even begin to explain. Maybe it's because in her I see the same brokenness I see in myself, or maybe it's because every time I'm near her, I feel like I'm home. If she'd have me, I'd never leave her side.

Her eyes flutter open and go wide when she takes me in. Worried that I've scared her in some way I pull my hands back from her face, but she quickly grabs them, holding them in place.

"Jace..." she whispers, her voice cracking with emotion.

"Yeah, it's me" I say, giving her a reassuring smile, wiping the tears away that are still trickling down her cheeks.

"Don't...please don't let me go" she begs. Her eyes are pleading with me but before I can even respond she pulls my face down and pushes her lips to mine. The kiss starts out slow and I can tell we're both putting every bit of emotion we're feeling into it. Her, the desperation and fear that seem to run so deep in her and me, trying to convey a promise to her that I can be here when she needs me.

When we finally pull back to catch our breath I notice her tears have stopped and she's smiling while she runs her fingers through my hair. It's that look on her face, of being completely at peace that spurs me into action. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that I should be completely weirded out by the fact that she's already had sex tonight...with my best friend of all people, but I just can't find it in me to care. This is as close to happy as I've seen her, and I want to make it last. My lips are back on hers and it's slow and determined, our tongues not battling, but dancing with each other as my hands find their way to her hips. Slowly, I drag her panties down off of her legs as I draw her up so that she's sitting in front of me. She breaks away just long enough to pull off her shirt before her lips are back on mine and her hands are flitting over every inch of my body, almost as if she's trying to memorize every dip and curve of the scars she finds there. I've never been particularly self conscious of them but I've never let anyone else touch them like this. Every time her fingers brush across one, it feels as though her touch can melt them away.

I kiss my way up her jaw to her neck and down her chest where I lick and suck one of her buds into my mouth, the little moans coming from her drive me on as I finally slip my fingers between her folds, flicking my fingers lightly over her clit before plunging two of them inside her. She's so, so wet, and the sounds she's making...the gasps, the moans are making it incredibly difficult for me to remain in control. I can feel her gentle but firm touch stroking me and every rational thought leaves my mind. The only thing I want is be be buried deep inside her, and she must feel the same, because before I can even process how it's happened, she's got me on my back, straddling my hips...my boxers are gone, I'm not sure if I removed them or if she did. She slides herself down, pulling every inch of me into her. The feeling makes me shudder, there's something about this that feels so different, so much more intense. She's rocking up and down on me, so slowly, my hips rising up to meet her.

I run my fingers through her hair and bring her lips down to mine for a brief kiss.

"Damn, Clary you feel so, so good"

She smiles at me, stroking her hand across my cheek. "Shhhh" she whispers before relaxing herself so that she's laying down on my chest. Neither of us are rushing any of it, just enjoying being as closely connected as two people can possibly be. I'm running my hands up and down her back slowly, tracing small circles over her spine and it suddenly occurs to me what's happening. We're not fucking, we're not even having sex...no, this is what all of those cheesy romantic movies that I laugh at describe as making love. I'm not saying that I'm in love with the girl, I don't know, maybe I am...if it's possible to fall in love that fast. All I know is that what we're doing now, I can't imagine doing with anyone else...ever.

I don't even know how long we're like that...it could have been minutes, or hours, when I feel her walls starting to clench around me and she's moving faster.

"Jace" she pants, "I need...I need" she can't seem to get the words out but I take the hint and flip her so that she's on her back under me. Our fingers, locked together by her head as she adjusts her legs up higher on my hips as I'm thrusting into her harder, and faster than before. I can feel myself getting close, but looking into her eyes, I can see that while she's close...she's holding back. I lean down and place a kiss just behind her ear before whispering to her "let it go baby, just let it go". With my words, she does, gripping my hands tighter, her eyes flutter shut, my name just a whisper on her lips as they find mine. I thrust into her just a few more times before finding my release, resting my forehead against hers and staring into her endlessly green eyes.

I don't want to pull away from her at all, I'm terrified that when I do the spell will be broken, and we'll be right back to her pushing me away. I know that I'm supposed to be this completely hardened person, and I have been for so damn long, but I don't think I could handle it if she once again said that this can't ever happen again. When I finally do roll off of her, she keeps one hand locked in mine, while she stares at the ceiling looking deep in thought while she plays with the chain around her neck.

Eventually when the silence becomes too much I turn over to face her, placing my hand over hers to still the nervous movement. I pull the necklace from her fingers and look at what she has hanging on it. It's a ring with an H on it, strikingly similar to the one that I have with an M on it.

"Where did you get this?"

"What, the ring? It was in a jewelry box my mom had that had my name engraved on it. When I went poking through it I found this and thought it was kind of pretty, very antique."

"Hmmm"

"Why?"

"Because, I have one just like it, but with an M on it, not an H"

"Really" she smiles "guess we have the same taste in some things."

With that she rolls over towards me and cuddles against my chest, stopping me from saying anything further. She's probably right, I got mine from my mom, she got hers from her mom, they probably just had the same taste in things and happened to own similar rings. Though I still can't help but feel like there's more to it than that.

* * *

I can't even begin to explain my feelings when I woke up in Jace's arms, our legs tangled together. It felt as though we had been doing it every day for years. I felt like I belonged, like I was safe, and loved more than I think I've ever felt before. And I know what I said, that I wouldn't let him in, but now I just don't want to let him go. It's selfish, because I know I'm just going to hurt him in the long run but right now I just...I don't even want to think about it.

As I'm getting dressed for my shift at Takis, thankfully not a big production since the uniform is casual and is just a pair of jeans and a light blue t-shirt with Taki's Diner printed on the back, I can't stop sneaking glances of him still sleeping in my bed. He looks perfect there, so peaceful, and I'm dreading having him wake up and leave. It's taking all of my self control to not take my clothes right back off and crawl under the covers with him. If I had any walls still up protecting myself from letting him in, I'm pretty sure that last night completely stripped them away. I can't even think about it without blushing...it was...beautiful. Epically stupid in that we didn't use protection, but I'm just going to hope that statistics are on our side and that it won't be an issue...and make sure that it never happens again.

That is if he still wants me. It's not like going at it immediately after him waking me from a nightmare gave us a lot of time to discuss things. For all I know he just did it to help distract me from whatever it was that had me so upset. Which, despite spending 30 minutes in the shower trying to remember, none of the nightmare is coming back to me, an oddity in itself since most of the time they're so vivid that they stick with me for days.

I know there's still the issue of what happened at the club, and I'm not really sure what to think of it. From what I gather though, I had sex with a close friend of his...then I came home and had sex with him. By the angel, I really am fucked up. I know that there's a good chance that when he wakes up and remembers everything that happened last night, that he's going to get dressed and walk out of here for good and I've got no one to blame but myself. I turn back to the mirror over my desk and close my eyes taking a deep breath. It's finally hitting me just how stupid I've been. I've spent the last couple of years giving away bits and pieces of myself for nothing every chance I had. Now that there's someone I might actually want to give myself to completely I don't know that there's really anything left for him, at least not enough. Because this guy, who seems to over the course of just two nights reached within me and latched on to my soul, deserves so much more than I can give him.

Shaking my head as I feel the tears start to well up behind my closed lids, I know that the best thing I can do for him, and for myself is to let him go. There's no way this could ever work, no matter how much I want it to right now. Suddenly I feel him behind me and he's wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my neck. I place my hands over his, ready to pull myself out of his embrace. It's too much, having him this close for what I need to say, I'm even keeping my eyes closed knowing one look into his and I might lose all the resolve I have to end this right here and now.

He must sense the tension in my body because just as I'm about to push him away he tightens his grip around my waist, shaking his head in the crook of my neck. His warm breath against my skin nearly has me falling apart when he speaks. "Don't Clary, don't push me away again, please"

The pleading tone of his voice nearly breaks my heart, what's left of it anyway. I turn in his arms to face him and open my eyes as I put my hands on his face, brushing my thumb over his cheek urging him to look at me. The sadness and desperation that I find there startles me and I realize in that moment that he and I might be more alike than I could have ever imagined. It's that realization that keeps me from telling him to go. I open my mouth to speak, but before I can even get any words out he brings up a finger and places it over my lips silencing me.

"Clary, listen to me, I know this is absolutely fucking crazy. We just met, and I don't do this...I don't get attached. I spend a night with a girl and send them on their way only going back if there's nothing else that catches my attention. My guess is you're the same. But this, this is different and I...I don't want to lose you. I get it, if you don't want a relationship, but I need you in my life even if it is just as a friend"

His words make me smile. We really are practically the same person. Sure, he doesn't know my reasons and I don't know his. I don't know if we'll ever divulge that part of ourselves, but it all ends up the same way...seeking out random people that mean nothing to us. And yet, here we stand in front of each other, not wanting to let the other go.

"You're right, I am that way. I tried to do that with you." I say, taking a deep breath to prepare myself for what I'm about to tell him.

"But I can't. And I don't want to be friends with you" he opens his mouth to object but I quickly cover his mouth with my hand.

"Nuh uh...you got to speak without me saying anything...now it's my turn" He nods his head for me to continue. "What I was trying to say is that I don't want to be friends with you...I'm not entirely sure I want a relationship, I don't know how to do those, I've never been in one...but I do want to be with you as more than friends." I can feel his smile against my fingers and I move my hand.

"So, you kinda wanna be my girlfriend, but not really?" he asks, shrugging and quirking a brow at me.

"I don't know" I say, shrugging my shoulders "I guess so. I mean, I want to be with you and NOT have sex with anyone else...if that makes me your girlfriend then yeah, I guess I do."

"Great, because I don't want to have sex with any other girls, and I guess that makes me your boyfriend. So my girlfriend, how long until you have to be at work?" he says with a smirk as he lifts me off the floor and sets me on the dresser, attacking my neck with kisses, licking and nipping his way up to my ear. I just barely have the chance to glance at the clock and realize what time it is, I'm already five minutes late.

"Shit!" I yell, pushing him back and hopping off the dresser "I'm late! Maia's gonna fucking kill me". I'm hopping around on one foot, trying to pull my sneaker on the other, while tossing stuff into my bag. I look over at him and see him scrambling to put his clothes back on. I feel bad that I've got to leave and that he's being rushed and decide that I'm going to take the first step in being a girlfriend.

"Jace, don't rush yourself. Here..." I toss him my keys, which he catches and then looks back at me in confusion "stay and make yourself some breakfast and lock up when you leave. I take my break at one if you're free and want to join me, or you can just drop them off."

Finally upright and tossing my still wet hair into a bun, he walks over to me and pulls me into his arms. What the hell, I'm already late, what's another two minutes.

He smiles, cupping my face in his hands, and places a kiss on my lips. It's sweet, and quick, and as much as I want more than that for now it's just going to have to be enough.

"Yes, I'm free and yes, I'll be there at one...now, get your ass to work" he laughs, as I turn around and he smacks me on the ass as I'm walking out the door. I can't break the smile that's on my face as I'm headed down the stairs. I can't help but think that yeah, I could get used to this girlfriend stuff.

* * *

_**Whew, okay, so that chapter ended up longer than I thought it would. If this chapter kind of sucks, my apologies. Writing that sex scene for them kind of screwed with my head because I wanted it to be from Jace's POV, but while I was writing I kept having Clary's POV wanting to come out instead. I've read over it a few times and I think I made sure that didn't happen. **_

_**As for the fact that the morning after her thoughts are a little jumbled and disjointed, it's supposed to be that way. Let's face it, the poor girl is just downright confused. She knows what she should want, doesn't think she deserves it, doesn't want to lose him, but wants to push him away to protect him, and herself. And yes, I know, the chapter ended on a happy note. So, you have one nice chapter of Clace fluff. **_

_**So, I want to know what you think. Is this it for Clary, has she finally turned that corner and ready to let herself be loved? Or, do you think that she's going to end up falling off this happy wagon she's on at the end of this chapter? **_

_**Oh, and if the ring thing was confusing, I promise, it will make sense eventually. **_

_**Follow, favorite, review...show me some love, people! Keep me writing!**_


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